I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
