good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
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Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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