It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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