By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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