Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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