Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
