a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
