i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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