What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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