yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
