I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
