Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
