Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
