Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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