Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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