Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
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you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
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It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
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I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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