FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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