I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
