did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize