the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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