Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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