I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
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Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
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We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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