Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
