my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
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I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
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After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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