I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
