Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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