Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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