I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You're so nebulous sometimes
No more Irish car bombs ever.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
