How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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