Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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