Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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