I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I deserve this hangover.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
