Don't make out with my wife yet
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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