On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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