It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
