I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
