I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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