Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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