I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
