I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
