Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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