He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Actions speak louder than pants.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
