Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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