If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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