I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How does it feel to date your dad?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
