Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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