And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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