I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
