Moan for me like Helen Keller
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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