Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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