i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
