dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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