So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
