tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
