I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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